RE: Rebuttal to Every Girl Ever
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From: Molly
Knock knock.
Oh hi, it's great to see you, Every Guy Ever. Now that I see you in the light of my hallway, I see you have a certain sleazy quality that I missed at the bar. I'm kind of upset that you now know where I live. Oh well, too late to do anything about it.
Thank you for opening the car door. Probably should have moved your can of creotine
and your vitamin water in the back before you picked me up. But you really wanted
me to ask if you work out. Fine. Yes, you look good. Good, for a 20-
Oh yes, I'll enjoy Korean Barbecue. What an awkward coincidence that you dated the hot hostess. How interesting that you felt the need to mention it. Now along with knowing that you work out, I know that you're sexually active. Very smooth.
Turns out that you're not quite the conversation starter I remembered. With no alcohol, you are actually either Really Nervous, or his counterpart, Clinically Boring. I think it's noble that you keep on trying to go back to that topic of conversation we used when we hit it off at the bar, but really, we've tapped that out. Don't we have anything else to say? No? Ok, we'll go back to talking about how we both really like the beach. I'll get another glass of wine.
Why yes, I am impressed by the names you are dropping in your esoteric job. And now, after you've had a few drinks, I see that Clinically Boring is turning into Stuck in Undergrad. While you try to hit the right balance of "stories about being a drunk asshole (no, that story about ripping off the bartender really shows ingenuity on your part)" and "stories meant to show your sensitive (really, you saved that puppy? how noble)", I'm going to go to the bathroom, and arrange the "emergency call."
Whoops gotta go, you never know when a friend's going to need an appendectomy. Thanks
for dropping me off. Please don't take the goodnight kiss I gave you as encouragement.
It was just the quickest way to get you off my porch. Even your thoughtful ass-
END