2009 PIIYF Second Annual Summer Beer Tasting, June 28, 2009
The Roster:
2009 PIIYF Third Annual Octoberfest Tasting, October 11, 2009
The Roster:
Robert (R) – Judgy McJudgertons
Garrett (G) – Hot Tequila Enthusiast
Joe (E) – Couch Wrangler Emeritus
Joey (J) – Baby’s Arm, Complete with Elbow
Kai (K) -
Adam – Lowliest of Scriveners
The Inventory:
Rahr & Sons Oktoberfest
New Belgium Hoptober Golden Ale
Paulaner Oktoberfest
Brooklyn Oktoberfest
Post Road Pumpkin Ale
Dogfish Head Punkin Ale
Avery Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest
Spaten Oktoberfest
St. Arnold Oktoberfest
Magic Hat Roxy Rolles Amber Ale
America’s Original Pumpkin Ale
Samuel Adams Octoberfest
Breckenridge Autumn Ale
Summit Oktoberfest
The Rules:
It’s the Grandaddy of ‘Em All, Facelings! If you’re reading now, you already know the rules…
The gang starts out by making fun of Garrett (what else?) and his lunch. Garrett
has chosen to prepare his palate with a tuna sandwich and salt-
1. Rahr & Sons Oktoberfest (R)
[Author’s Note: Right out of the gate, Robert halts the festivities, insisting on
a group pre-
Totally Worth It!
R: Shut up, it’s important. People read this.
All: (stunned silence)
And we’re tasting!
J: I like it.
G: Ugh, it tastes like vinegar.
A: I agree, it’s pretty awful.
R: I like it a lot.
G: I like the concept better than the actual product.
J: What’s the concept?
G: You know, Texas brewery…(voice trailing)…(mumbling)…
A: (awful face)
R: You really don’t like this?
A: (drinking) No, I really don’t.
E: But it does have a thick, creamy head!
(rim shot)
G: This is the Marzen, but less flavorful…which is good, cause the Marzen has a terrible flavor.
J: Yeah, this is getting worse.
R: The aftertaste is really awful.
E: I thought this was a lot better when we started
Ratings:
R: 5
G: 4
A: 3
E: 4
J: 3
2. New Belgium Hoptober Golden Ale (G)
G: This is a golden ale and has nothing to do with Octoberfest.
R: Hey, it was made in October, so dammit it’s Octoberfest!
(drinking)
All: Whoa!
E: D*cklicker!
J: The bottle says this has a “bonfire of citrus notes.”
A: It’s carpet bombing me with citrus notes.
R: I love this beer, but it’s not an Octoberfest.
G: Agreed.
R: This is a good summer beer, though.
G: Sure, I would drink this at Ron’s.
[Author’s Note: Please see Head Spirit Horse Trainer and time-
G: The bottle says it has a “creamy mouth feel”
(2nd rimshot)
E: Right, when I called it d*cklicker, that’s what I meant.
R: I wouldn’t know what a d*ck tasted like.
J: Whatever, you were in a fraternity at UT…
Ratings:
G: 6
A: 4
E: 5
J: 4
R: 6
Three Down Too Many To Go
3. Paulaner Oktoberfest (A)
R: It looks a lot more Octobery than the last one.
R: This is good out of a bottle, but it’s better out of the keg.
(Discussion of our beloved Houston Texans, by which I mean a discussion of self-
A: I love this beer, I drink this routinely.
R: It’s by far the best German Octoberfest beer.
G: Disagree. I like the Hacker-
A: Wait, Robert. Did I just hear you say this was the best German Octoberfest?
R: yes…well…
All: (judging)
R: I mean…(scuffling)
All: (more judging)
R: That we can buy here in Houston (shame pie).
Ratings:
A: 8.5
E: 8
J: 8
R: 8
G: 7
4. Brooklyn Oktoberfest (E)
(Kai arrives and brings the German authenticness…late since his morning gassing ran long)
R: Awful. (boldly proceeding without his precious cheers)
A: Poop! It’s poop without mayonnaise!
K: This might have dead Indians in it.
G: Yup, that’s what the blue diamonds mean: international sign for “Dead Indians in bottle.”
K: That’s kinda…I don’t know. An entire people?
A: It’s a little late in the game for your people to get huffy about that sort of thing.
[Author’s Note: At this point, the Gang turns to the silent partner, the Vagina Cactus. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it: the VC has grown a wang. We here at PIIYF are proud to welcome Jamie Lee Cactus into our family.]
K: Tiger won today (salivating).
R: Tiger woods is arguably one of the top four or five black golfers of all time.
Ratings:
E: 3
J: 4
R: 2
G: 4
K: 4 (Indian feathers)
A: 3
Really Adam a “Wang”??
5. Post Road Pumpkin Ale (J)
G: Yes Joey, the new pumpkin!
A: Oh eff.
G: Hey, you never know. It could be another Dogfish Head.
A: Care to bet on that?
G: Hmm, what kind of odds do you give me?
A: Not very good
All: (smelling)
E: It’s awfully pumpkinny.
(Joey likens the flavor to him cutting a hole in a pumpkin and…well, you get the idea)
R: Dammit! It tastes like ash. Like someone cooked a pumpkin until it was ash and made beer.
It was that bad
G: It does! It tastes like a 60-
K: We do have to finish this, right?
J: (reading) C*ck! It’s made by Brooklyn! They f*cked us twice!!
K: I’d be happy if I got f*cked twice, but not like this.
E: They did get away from the Navajo-
R: This is horrible. I think they took the water for this out of the Potomac.
G: Well, that’d be tough considering it’s several hundred miles away.
All: (freelance mocking of Robert’s lack of a 5th grade education)
R: This is awful.
J: Just wait, the Buffalo Bill’s is going to be worse.
R: No!
E: Yep
A: Yeah, it’ll be less subtle.
R: Drinking this beer sends pain into my jaw.
A: It’s bad, but it doesn’t make me want to rip my own scrotum off.
R: Man, I want to.
Ratings:
J: 3 bad bad beer
R: 1
G: 4
K: 1 (pumpkin)
A: 4
E: 3
6. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale (R)
A: Oh thank God.
J: Ahh, this smells more like beer and less like pumpkin.
K: Hmm, I’m not a fan of the pumpkin beers in general.
E: Well, if you don’t like punkinicity, then there you go.
R: I love this beer. It’s so much more subtle than other pumpkin beers.
K: It does grow on you.
G: Last year’s was good, but this one is better.
A: What happened last year, I wonder?
R: I don’t know.
G: I think they got too pumpkinny.
The King of the Pumpkins
K: I was watching youporn the other day and there was a video called “It’s her girth-
A: And congratulations, Kai. That’s now going on the internet.
Ratings:
R: 9
G: 8
K: 8
A: 9
E: 7
J: 8
7. Avery Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest (G)
[Author’s Note: Random interjection of Garrett’s private life into the fray. I
can’t improve upon Joey’s summation: “So that’s why you had tuna and salt-
K: Whoa, that’s the naziest looking beer ever!
G: Well, Kai would know.
A: Yeah, this beer killed a gypsy on it’s way over here.
K: It f*ckin’ blitzkrieged a gypsy!
G: Avery must have a retarded brother that makes the Prima Pils.
A: Isn’t Prima Pils made by victory?
J: Yes (eye rolling).
G: Oh. Right.
A: Who’s the retarded what now?
G: Nevermind.
R: This bottle needs a magnum condom.
K: So do I.
R: No you don’t.
K: No I don’t.
A: This kinda makes my junk tingle.
G: It’s syrupy.
A: Yeah, it’s viscous.
J: You could use it as a lubricant.
Ratings:
G: 8
K: 9.5
A: 6.5 Kai Imitating the picture on the bottle, with the Bottle
E: 6
J: 9
R: 8
8. Spaten Oktoberfest (K)
R: I really don’t like that very much, not as much as the Paulaner.
A: It doesn’t have much of an aftertaste.
K: Wait, what are we drinking?
R: You picked this!
R: Can we talk about how awesome this is that the bottle has 1300s on the label?
[Author’s Note: It’s starting to spiral out of control. See below…]
R: I’d like to see Lynn Russell and Margaret in a head to head. Let’s see who can drink more white wine.
When Pictures Mimic Reality
(Joe goes Ugly Kid Joe)
(Joey lights his nostril hair on fire, I wish I were kidding)
K: I’ve gotta say, I’m a big fan of whatever we’re drinking.
G: You picked it!!
R: I want to know what an “Ur-
A: Hmm, if only we had someone proud of his German heritage.
R: Well, but we have others…
A: Yeah, but Joe hardly speaks English!
Ratings:
K: 9.55 (with a double whoop-
A: 7
E: 8
J: 9
R: 7
G: 7
9. St. Arnold Oktoberfest (A)
K: Adam has a Jew d*ck.
A: Actually, I have two Jew d*cks. Chew on that.
Gang: (awed silence)
R: (Plastered) I love Sam Adams!
R: I mean St. Arnolds.
A: Are you serious? You’re no better than the buyer at specs.
R: Was he as drunk as I am?
[Author’s Note: (sigh). In the hunting/gathering portion of the tasting, your humble scribe ventured to his local brewmart (usually an exemplary establishment in every way) for to purchase provisions. I walked by a customer who asked the brostein in charge of buying beer for that locale: “Which is better, the Sam Adams Octoberfest or the St. Arnold’s Octoberfest.” Johnny Toolbox replied: “Well, I’ve never had the Sam Adams, so…” Again, (sigh). This is why the website needs business cards.]
K: (reading)
A: (hitting Kai)
K: (Starts telling a story about inviting some girl somewhere for the weekend)
J: The girl you drove to Chicago?
A: The girl you flew to New York to have a date with?
K: Nevermind.
[Author’s Note: Robert really wants me to tell you that he loves St. Arnold’s. He really does. Seriously. He wants me to tell you again. Make sure you get that. Personally, I don’t give a flying pile of monkey sh*t what Robert likes.]
E: Is it time to judge?
G: It’s always time to judge. I have but two speeds: sleep and judge.
R: I only have judge.
Ratings:
A: 8
E: 8
J: 8
R: 7
G: 7
K: 7 (pope hats)
Not Done Yet
10. Magic Hat Roxy Rolles Amber Ale (E)
A. Eff. Magic Hat is awful. This is going to be poop with mayonnaise.
E: This smells terrible.
J: It says here that this beer is to be shared with the rousing company of kindred spirits.
A: In other words, misery loves company.
E: Oh wow. I do not like that AT ALL.
R: Really?
J: Agreed, that’s effing terrible.
R: I don’t think it’s that terrible.
K: It tastes like a mixed multiple thing of balloons. Like a state fair, with the balloons and all…
(No idea what just happened to Kai)
J: I don’t like this at all. It’s negro penis flavored.
A: Are you aware that you mention negro penis at every tasting?
R: I don’t think it’s that bad, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
R: Do you seriously think this is worse than the Rahr & Sons?
A: Absolutely.
R: I don’t understand…ridiculous…
Ratings:
E: 2
J: 2
R: 6
G: 5
K: 7 (Adam is done listening to Kai’s horsesh*t rambling)
A: 3
11. American Original Pumpkin Ale (J)
K: Adam has a cat scrotum.
A: Agreed!
[Author’s Note: Robert just fell over. That is all.]
Joe is Unhappy with The Beer and Adam
From Kai: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
(Joe savagely has accosted Adam. It’s completely Joe’s fault.)
Joe Pounces with Cat Like Reflexes!
Back to the brew…
J: This is awful. It’s giving me the mouth sweats! Who chose this?
J: Oh wait, I did.
K: My rating is it needs more lotion.
J: Ugh! There’s just too much vagina sandwich.
A: Dear Jesus, this is effing terrible.
G: Are you allowed to say “Dear Jesus”?
[Author’s Note: Garrett hates Jewish people.]
Ratings:
J: 1
R: 3
G: 2
K: (gibberish)
A: 2
E: 3
K: Do you feel inferior because you don’t have earlobes?
A: No, I feel inferior because you killed my ancestors.
They really Do Get Along
12. Samuel Adams Octoberfest (R)
K: (drinking) Ooh this is good whatever we’re drinking…
[Author’s Note: The gang engages in multiple inane discussions far beyond the comprehension, hearing, or typing prowess of your humble scribe. Deal, it’s not like we don’t have these conversations at every tasting…]
E: For the record, this is really good beer.
(Joe farts)
R: (to Adam) Damn, Joe just crop dusted the sh*t out of you and Kai.
R: Man, I love Sam Arnold…
R: I mean St. Adams…
R: F*ck you.
J: THAT is why the website doesn’t have business cards.
G: (to Joey) I’m gonna live to 90 and you’re going to be dead.
A: You’re not going to live that long. Kai’s going to die of syphilis like his ancestors.
K: I have to call my parents and warn them.
Ratings:
R: 8
G: 8
K: (…)
A: 8.5
E: 8.5
J: 8
13. Breckenridge Autumn Ale (G)
[Author’s Note: I am not writing a god damn thing until Garrett calls the brewery….]
303-
G: Welcome to Breckenridge brewery. Ok, company directory. Todd Thibault, found
him. Mailbox…you’ve reached Todd Thibault. Hey Todd, it’s the guys down in Houston
again, time for our annual Octoberfest tasting. (some random comment about Tim Tebow’s
concussion? Heterograph?) Hey, we were thinking, why not market your autumn seasonal
in giant bottles, like Avery does. It’d be better that way. How are our t-
Ratings:
G: 7
K: (…)
A: 7.5
E: 7
J: 8
R: 7
14. Summit Oktoberfest (K)
R: Who masder this?
E: It’s marxemn stile which neans march.
[Author’s Note: Choose your own adventure. Wizard’s cave it is…]
G: Todd, I want to emphasize how cold it is in Houston. We really need t-
R: Yeah, cause it’s like 60 degrees.
G: Whatever, he can eat a d*ck.
[Author’s Note: Todd, if you’re reading. That’s “duck.” Peking duck.]
Ratings:
K: (…)
A: 7
E: 7.5
J: 7
R: 7.5
G: 7
The Final Tally:
R G A E J K
Rahr & Sons Oktoberfest 5 4 3 4 3 -
New Belgium Hoptober Golden Ale 6 6 4 5 4 -
Paulaner Oktoberfest 9 8 8.5 8 8 -
Brooklyn Oktoberfest 2 4 3 3 4 4
Post Road Pumpkin Ale 1 4 4 3 3 1
Dogfish Head Punkin Ale 9 8 9 7 8 8
Avery Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest 8 8 6.5 6 9 9.5
Spaten Oktoberfest 7 7 7 8 9 9.5
St. Arnold Oktoberfest 7 7 8 8 8 7
Magic Hat Roxy Rolles Amber Ale 6 5 3 2 2 7
America’s Original Pumpkin Ale 3 2 2 3 1 -
Samuel Adams Octoberfest 8 8 8.5 8.5 8 -
Breckenridge Autumn Ale 7 7 7.5 7 8 -
Summit Oktoberfest 7.5 7 7 7.5 7 -
And the winner (and STILL champion, by a nose!): SAMUEL ADAMS OCTOBERFEST
The final rankings by average score:
Samuel Adams Octoberfest 8.20
Dogfish Head Punkin Ale 8.16
Spaten Oktoberfest 7.92
Paulaner Oktoberfest 7.90
Avery Kaiser Imperial Oktoberfest 7.83
St. Arnold Oktoberfest 7.50
Breckenridge Autumn Ale 7.30
Summit Oktoberfest 7.20
New Belgium Hoptober Golden Ale 5.00
Magic Hat Roxy Rolles Amber Ale 4.17
Rahr & Sons Oktoberfest 3.80
Brooklyn Oktoberfest 3.33
Post Road Pumpkin Ale 2.67
America’s Original Pumpkin Ale 2.20
Tune in next time for the Gang’s annual vomit down a chimney…
It Was A Good Day!
