The Inaugural PIIYF 2008 Summer Beer Tasting
The Roster:
Joe (J): Betrothed Beer Connoisseur
Joey (S): Master of Ceremonies
Robert (R): Editor Extraordinaire
Garrett (G): Chief Face Officer
Adam (A): Minister of Science (and again, lowly scribe)
The Inventory:
St. Arnold Summer Pils
New Belgium Skinny Dip
Kona Longboard Lager
Dogfish Head Aprihop
Tequiza (yes, that’s right, Tequiza)
Pyramid Curveball Kolsch
Victory Prima Pils
Anchor Summer Ale
Samuel Adams Summer Ale
Miller Chill Chelada Style Beer
St. Arnold Fancy Lawnmower
Sierra Nevada Summerfest
Red Hook Sunrye Ale
Foreword (aka: explanation for certain attire appearing in photographs):
An agreement existed among your humble beer-
Because the gang determined Adam won the t-
1. St. Arnold Summer Pils (Adam)
G: Not gonna lie, I’m going to have a lot of gas while we do this.
A: It’s hot.
All: (grunt)
G: That’s why beer is cold.
A: This tastes like gin from last night. I swear all I taste is gin.
R: We had gin last night?
J: I was drinking whiskey out of a wine glass last night.
R: All the pictures are going to be fuzzy cause I can’t hold my hand steady.
[Author’s Note: the previous night, much rejoicing occurred at Garrett’s house in a surprise effort to celebrate Robert’s birthday. There was much, much rejoicing. Due to the surprise nature of this celebration, there was no way (or let’s face it, desire) to move the tasting. Hence, we are all a little out of sorts today.]
G: (drinking) Pretty much tastes like beer.
S: Yeah, but delicious beer.
R: I love this beer.
G: I love the bottle.
S: The tie-
G: Yup.
R: Hippies in Houston, there aren’t that many of them.
(explosion)
R: There’s fart number one for Garrett.
G: Sorry, it’s been happening all day.
A: (throws up in mouth)
R: Did you just throw up in your mouth?
A: Oh yeah.
G: What were you going to say?
A: It doesn’t matter, I’m just so happy to be alive.
J: (reaching for leftover spinach and cheese dip) Man, there’s just nothing I like more than eating some hot cheese out in the sun.
[Completely unspeakable discussion by Joey of “ass sweat” being “nature’s lube”]
Ratings:
J: 8
S: 6
G: 6
R: 7.5
A: 7
[Discussion of Adam’s “Chewbacca burp”]
2. New Belgium Skinny Dip (Joe)
G: Had you just gotten up when I called you at 1:45?
R: …maybe…
(Gang raises a glass declaring “God bless America”
A: It’s hoppy, it’s a summer beer but it’s hoppy?
J: I really don’t like this.
G: Can’t you taste the frolicking hops? They’re frolicking! They’re summer hops!
S: This beer was an awful choice this early! It’s…ahhh!
A: Is it dominating your dojo?
R: I just threw up in my mouth a little, but the leftover summer pils throwup tasted better than this beer.
S: Spits…spits again. Ugh, that beer made me spit!
J: That cheese is better than this
S: I’m going to like Tequiza better,
Gang: Noooo…
J: Has anyone had the Miller Chill?
R: Yes and it is fucking terrible…
Ratings:
S: 4
G: 4
R: 4
A: 4
J: 3.5
A: Joey, take me away from all this death.
3. Kona Longboard Lager (Joey)
R: I’ve never had this beer.
A: It’s not bad, I like the label
R: There’s no longboard on it…oh, wait, yeah there is.
R: I speak Hawaii word.
S: Can I go to the language learning center and ask them to teach me Hawaii word?
R: Yes, but you have to wear a grass skirt and a wood mask.
S: And a coconut bra?
A: It doesn’t taste like much
G: Yeah it’s pretty bland
J: I like it.
S: As do I.
R: Me too…Adam’s stupid.
J: (reading bottle) “Thirsts up!” They definitely lose points for that.
R: That’s awful.
J: Adam’s awful.
R: I think we can all agree on that.
G: The bottle says Longboard gives a smooth ride all the way in…
R: That’s not sexual at all.
G: Adam, I don’t have much comment.
A: It’s inoffensive but unspectacular.
S: Sounds like my sex life.
R: Is it a problem that I’m full already?
Ratings:
G: 7
R: 6
A: 5
J: 7
S: 7
4. Dogfish Head Aprihop (Garrett)
A: Is this a summer beer?
G: I think so.
R: No, it’s not. It’s “Aprihop,” like April.
G: You mean like apricot?
R: um…yeah…nevermind
S: Hmm, I’m not going to like it then.
J: Me neither.
S: (drinks) Dammit…I like it.
R: Yeah, they do everything so well.
R: You can really smell the apricot.
A: Yeah, that’s terrific bass.
J: I don’t think I could drink a lot of it, because it’s so sweet.
S: (reading) I’m glad it’s made with real apricots, not fake ones.
G: I don’t like the aftertaste, it’s gonna lose some points. I need some spinach dip afterward.
R: Here, put your tongue in this.
All: That’s what she said.
A: It’s not really a summer beer, but…
R: No, and it is really sweet.
A: …but it makes for happy loins, I’m at threatcon happyloins.
Ratings:
R: 6
A: 8
J: 6
S: 5
G: 6
5. Tequiza (Robert)
[Author’s note: ever since Joe announced his purchase and the inclusion of Tequiza in the tasting, the entire gang has lived in unspeakable fear. Now, those fears are about to be realized…and validated.]
R: I’m picking Tequiza.
A: Oh god, it’s all happening…
R: It looks like, I don’t know, it’s see through but…
A: It’s piss, Robert, it looks like piss.
R: (smells while pouring) Ohhh goooddd…you guys are effed.
G: And you right along with us.
R: Small price to pay for the smiting of one’s enemies.
(Everyone smells it. Everyone goes to taste. No one gets it to their mouth)
All: groaning…
[Author’s Note: the discussion that followed the drinking of Tequiza was unintelligible at best. Truly this was a unicorn of vile, vomitous concoctions. So, here is a short list of things which people offered as “tastes like”]
Lemon pledge.
Sprite and club soda.
Tequila and five alive.
Salt lime packets.
Sprite and soapy water.
Ecto-
Slimer with a hot dog.
G: (whose eyesight was the first to return, reading the bottle) Drink freezing cold…Freezing? I think anytime a beer has to advise to “drink ice cold”, run away.
R: Anytime it says Anheisuer Busch and isn’t Budweiser, run.
R: Ugh, they don’t use hopps, just hopp stems.
S: (slamming his tequiza, against every surgeon general’s warning) DONE!
A: Like ripping off a band aid.
A: (belch) Oh god, it’s belch tastes like tequila. Why??
S: It’s a non returnable bottle, also, it’s an undrinkable beer.
R: We should have heated it up, just to see what happens.
J: Actually, at that point it solidifies.
R: You mean unlike any other liquid on the face of the earth?
A: Yes, it turns into the world’s worst jello shot.
S: (belch) Oh dammit!
S: My blackberry won’t put the “a” at the end of Tequiza. Even my blackberry knows this is bad.
Ratings:
All: 0.5
A: Dear god let’s move on.
6. Pyramid Curveball Kolsch (Adam)
G: It’s a four! I’m looking at it and already I know it’s a four!!
S: (drinks) Wow, after the tequiza, I might give that a 12.
R: Seriously, it tastes like the bottle looks: pyramids, baseball and German lettering.
J: Why would you name a beer after a pitch.
J: (reads label) Wow…this just lost points.
A: The tequiza has really kind of sapped my will to live.
G: Yeah, it’ll do that.
G: But you know, this isn’t that good.
R: It’s fine, it’s just not that good.
S: It’s like a chick that’s kinda fat but not.
G: Yeah, you wouldn’t tell your friends about it.
S: Yeah, I mean you wouldn’t buy it a nice birthday present.
G: Yes, joey wouldn’t buy this a nice birthday present.
G: I think we have this conversation every time about each Pyramid beer
RatingS:
J: 4
S: 4
G: 5
R: 5
A: 5
7. Victory Prima Pils (Joe)
G: This is another brewery that tries too hard.
A: Yeah, but the problem is that they fail so hard.
[Author’s Note: The entire gang was dreading the Tequiza. We knew to dread the Tequiza. Not one of us thought that anything would come even remotely close to as bad…]
R: (drinks) Oh man, I was not expecting that.
J: Sorry everyone.
A: Eff, at least you saw the Tequiza coming.
S: If I saw someone buy this beer, I would fall on that grenade “noooo!!!”
R: At least with Tequiza, they were trying to make awful tasting beer.
A: I just gagged….on beer?
R: I think this is false advertising to reference beer in any way on the label. The
aftertaste is awful, but the other, the what, the pre-
A: The actual taste?
J: Eeyew.
R: The worst part is that it lingers…at least with Tequiza the taste goes away.
G: It’s like they thought hey, everyone’s making a hopps beer, so let’s make one and add…
A: Ball sweat?
G: Poop.
R: a live cat.
Ratings:
S: 1
G: 0.5
R:1
A: 1
J: 1
8. Anchor Summer Beer (Joey)
A: Nervous.
R: Why? Their beers are awesome.
A: No, the Christmas beer is awesome, everything else is awful.
G: Agreed.
A: Tell me there’s some good beer left?
J: Yeah, there’s Miller Chill left.
A: Eff.
J: This doesn’t taste like much.
A: I don’t know, it’s clean, it’s not bad.
S: Agreed, it isn’t bad
R: I don’t hate this.
G: Nope.
Ratings:
G: 9
R: 9
A: 8
J: 7
S: 9
9. Samuel Adams Summer Ale (Garrett)
J: What am I drinking?
R: Sam Summer, yellow label.
A: This ought to be pleasant.
S: Eff. I have to give this one a 10, cause I gave the last one a 9.
A: Yup. This one’s better.
R: Oh yeah.
G: Look Joey, it’s not my fault if your summer beer meter is off.
[extensive discussion concerning Adam’s disgust for the Hold Steady…including multiple arm’s up over the head woo!’s]
Ratings:
R: 9.5
A: 9
J: 9
S: 9
G: 9.5
10. Miller Chill Chelada Style Beer (Robert)
A: Seriously? My taste buds were just on a high.
J: This wouldn’t surprise me if it were refreshing.
G: It’s going to taste like salt and lime and hot sauce.
G: It says “Chelada” styled beer…is that a word?
J: Isn’t it “Michelada”?
G: Seriously, Robert, your father and brother in law likes this?
R: Loves it.
G: What’s wrong with them?
R: I don’t know, Lots of things.
J: Hey, it doesn’t solidify.
R: No slimer?
J: Not yet.
R: It’s all sweaty and lubed up.
G: I don’t need lube, I have swamp ass.
(amazingly unreportable conversation to protect Garrett and Robert)
Ratings:
A: 2.5
J: 2
S: 2
G: 2
R: 3
S: This makes me want to have an intervention.
A: This makes me want to take up heroin.
S: Agreed, this is a gateway beer.
J: I’m amazed this isn’t one of the worst two beers.
11. St. Arnold Fancy Lawnmower (Adam)
A: I’m curious to see how this stacks up to the Summer Pils.
J: I like the Summer Pils better.
R: Man this is good beer.
A: Yeah, they get it done. Why can’t the Prima cock faces get it together?
G: Right, why can’t the Prima cockfaces get it done?
R: Their beers are all good.
G: I have a winter in my fridge that can’t get drunk.
R: Really?
G: It’s not my favorite.
J: I like almost all of them.
A: My brother loves the spring bock, but it isn’t my favorite.
G: I like the brown ale, it’s way underrated.
A: Agreed, the amber gets all the play, but the brown is the best.
S: I can smell myself and it smells like liquor.
R: I think we’re all spoiled, having it here in Houston. They may not all be spectacular, but they are all very, very good.
G: I would rather drink the beer master’s piss than another miller chill.
J: What about Tequiza? What about Victory?
G: Definitely.
(Garrett now calls the victory brewery and asks for the marketing department)
Garrett’s two cents:
“We’re doing a summer beer tasting and….well, I’m confused, it doesn’t taste like victory. In fact, I think we should rename it to Holocaust.”
A: Awesome! I bet they call you back
G: I hope so.
S: I hope they send you a case of beer.
Ratings:
J: 8
S: 8
G: 8
R: 8
A: 8
12. Sierra Nevada Summerfest Lager (Joe)
J: My guess is it’s hoppy.
R: Yeah, gonna have some hopps.
S: I guess this is a four already.
G: Actually it’s better than that.
R: Yeah, somehow they figured it out for this beer.
(pause for hot black lab on lab action)
(Adam pets the VC)
G: Careful, that vagina will sting you.
R: They all will.
G: Hey, it doesn’t smell hoppy.
R: Yeah, it isn’t bad.
J: I like it.
R: I like that there isn’t a lot of crap on the label.
G: Right, it’s beer, drink it.
(extended and way unnecessary conversation about Joey’s nipple hair)
R: One day your nipple hair and armpit hair will be contiguous. (See??)
R: We need to taste next year on the Guadalupe.
S: Why not Bolivar? Robert, we need the house for next year…
R: Done and done.
Ratings:
S: 9
G: 8
R: 7
A: 7
J: 6
13. Red Hook Sunrye Ale (Joey)
J: The more I stare at this curveball bottle, the angrier I get.
G: You know what? Red Hook has the worst labels ever!
S: Agreed. Is that Mayan?
G: Eff you, Red Hook, you make a great ESB and everything else is crap!
S: (drinks) Dammit Red Hook. It’s good.
R: Seriously.
A: It’s is good.
G: I think I like it better than the Anchor.
R: I do too.
R: 13 beers, 5 bulls, 100% awesome.
R: I just closed my arm in the door.
G: Welcome to Sunday!
J: I think we need to take Kai, Dave, and Ben off the beer tasting email list.
A: Yes, we are clearly the UN Security Council of beer tasting.
R: Seriously, write that down.
G: Damn you Red Hook for making a rival to the ESB.
Ratings:
G: 8.5
R: 8
A: 7
J: 7
S: 8
The Final Tally:
And the Winner is: SAMUAL ADAMS SUMMER ALE
The final rankings by average score:
1. Samuel Adams Summer Ale 9.20
2. Anchor Summer Ale 8.40
3. St. Arnold Fancy Lawnmower 8.00
4. Red Hook Sunrye Ale 7.70
5. Sierra Nevada Summerfest 7.40
6. St. Arnold Summer Pils 6.90
7. Kona Longboard Lager 6.40
8. Dogfish Head Aprihop 6.20
9. Pyramid Curveball Kolsch 4.60
10. New Belgium Skinny Dip 3.90
11. Miller Chill Chelada Style Beer 2.30
12. Victory Prima Pils 0.90
13. Tequiza 0.50
