2009 PIIYF Second Annual Summer Beer Tasting, June 28, 2009
The Roster:
Robert (R): Keymaster of the Backyard
Garrett (G): Peddler of Alternative Flavored Beverages
James (C): First Recorded Sufferer of Cunningham’s Disease (genetic tastebud deficiency)
Joey (J): Master of Ceremonies
Joe (E): Master of Puppets
Adam: El Escrito Mas Bajo
The Inventory:
Brooklyn Summer Ale
Shiner Smokehaus
Samuel Adams Summer Ale
Sierra Nevada Summerfest Lager
Bud Light Lime
Southern Star Bombshell Blonde Ale
Boulevard ZON
Abita Satsuma Harvest Wit
St. Arnold Fancy Lawnmower Beer
Land Shark Lager
Michelob Beach Bum Blonde Ale
Breckenridge Summerbright Ale
Cave Creek Chili Beer
The Setting:
Where else but the Keymaster’s backyard. It’s officially summertime in Houston, which means it’s approximately the same temperature as the surface of Venus.
The Attire:
The Gang continues to wait for their Breckenridge T-
1. Brooklyn Summer Ale (J)
G: Look at the Vagina Cactus’ penile nubbin!
(and we’re off…)
R: I think we have these small glasses to make our hands look bigger.
A: We’re all familiar with that.
R: What does that mean? Is that a masturbation joke or a gay joke?
A: Hard to tell
(Quaff en masse)
G: I couldn’t drink a ton of it, but it’s not bad. What does everyone think about Brooklyn’s products?
A: Meh.
C: I think they’re dirty and have aids.
J: I enjoy the Brooklyn Brown, but they don’t seem to make a good Brooklyn beer. That’s probably because it doesn’t get hot in Brooklyn, so they don’t know how to make a refreshing summer beer.
(brows furrowed)
R: Um, Brooklyn gets pretty f*cking hot, Joey.
E: It has a bready flavor.
G: It does, there’s a lot of hopps already.
E: It’s gonna make for a big poop later.
(Garrett removes his belt)
R: Already? It’s going to be that kind of party?
J: Yup, it’s gonna be balls out.
Ratings:
J: 8
R: 6.5
G: 6
A: 6
E: 6
C: 6
2. Sierra Nevada Summerfest Lager (R)
A: How do they put in so much hopps without it getting dark. No, I don’t need to taste it, I can tell already.
(Discussion about how the desire for hopps and the temperature outside are inversely
proportional. T-
E: It tastes just like every other Sierra Nevada but watered down.
R: That’s probably what they did!
C: Maybe less pine needles?
J: Look, they probably just have someone drink half of one and pee back into the bottle.
A: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this Sierra Nevada beer needs…more hopps.
G: I know, it’s hard to imagine.
(Eerie twilight zone-
G: The only reason we’re tasting this one is because Robert had it already.
R: Hey, somebody came over and left it here.
J: What kind of douche would do that?
(Cut scene, flashback: Exterior, day. Poolside for Memorial Day 2008. Joey arrives
carrying a 12-
A: Really, Joey??
J: That was a gift!!
Ratings:
R: purple (5)
G: 4
A: 4
E: 2.5
C: 3.5
J: 3
3. Shiner Smokehaus (G)
DISCLAIMER: We here at PIIYF.com do some stupid sh*t. Our judgment is atrocious. Our foresight is limited. We ingest things that should have long ago rendered us unable to see, feel, think, etc. Ladies and Gentlemen, the following (and one later entry) will bring the gang a new understanding of “Holy sweet banana f*ck, why???” The following is not for the faint of heart.
G: Woohoo! Everybody ready for some bbq?
R: I have heard people tell me how good this is? [Author’s Note: Tell me. Give me their names.]
J: I heard this was terrible.
G: I suggest you drink this ice cold. [Author’s Note: Add to the list above, our memory is dull]
(Drinking)
J: (convulsing, spitting) Eff. Eff! That is effing terrible.
Here is a list of our attempts to define this beer’s taste:
Tastes like:
-
-
-
-
-
-
A: (pre-
C: Who’s idea was this anyway?
J: I mean it, I prefer the Prima Pils. Even the Miller Chill or the Bud Light Lime is better. I want to give this a zero.
Ratings:
G: 2
A: 1
E: 2
C: 2
J: 0.5
R: 3
(chastising of Robert’s “3”)
R: Well, I mean it has some utility cause you could drink it with a brisket…
J: Robert, it’s not f*cking cooking sherry, it’s supposed to be beer!
4. St. Arnolds Fancy Lawnmower Beer (A)
A: Eff, it still tastes like smoke.
R: That’s not St. Arnold’s fault!
E: I never realized the star on the bottle was the state of texas.
C: Sure is. And here’s someone knowing.
R: Oh that is cool!
G: What is?
R: The ice in my pants. There’s a piece of ice on my c*ck, and it’s thanking me right now.
E: There’s not much to say, this beer’s still good.
J: Where is your wife? Is she somewhere doing anything else she could find to get her out of here?
R: No, she’s out with Garrett’s wife drinking wine and having their nails done.
J: You mean blowing dudes?
R: Yep.
G: No, if that were true, at least there’d be some money coming in.
R: Why? Why do you assume it has to be for money? Why assume she’s a whore?
J: Yeah, maybe she just loves blowing dudes.
G: Alright fine. Joey, I’ll put it this way, if she loves blowing dudes, that is neeeeews to me.
R: I keep waiting for St. Arnold’s to call me to do some Chris Weinke impersonations for their advertisements.
G: I know! You and Lenny are buds!
R: I know!
G: He called you Chris when we went there for the party!
R: I know!
Ratings:
A: 8
E: 8
C: 8.5
J: 9
R: 8
G: 7
5. Michelob Beach Bum Blonde Ale (E)
E: Hmm. Beach Bum Blonde, eh…Beach Bum…from St. Louis…hmmm.
J: It says it’s “all malt.”
G: Ooh, so not from rice like most beers.
J: (drinking) Ugh.
E: Yeah, that’s not good.
A: Eff.
G: You know what I taste? I tasted jack’s pumpkin spice ale!
C: Hopps from the Sudan?
A: Yes! Darfur hopps!
J: Yes, blood hopps.
A: Full of baby femurs.
G: That’s offensive, yet amusing. But no, I taste effing Jack’s Pumpkin Spice Ale.
R: They had to just use the same cask. You know, without washing it out.
R: If you had put this up after the shiner, it would have gotten all eights, though.
G: I want to do an all Michelob beer tasting
(Gang aspersions Garrett)
Ratings:
E: 4.5
C: 4.5
J: 4
R: 4
G: 3
A: 4
6. Southern Star Bombshell Blonde Ale (C)
C: (pouring) Oh hell yeah! How good does that look? That’s the perfect pour…hey, get your balls away from that.
[Author’s Note: yeah, no idea]
G: I almost feel like we should have this beer right out of the can. That’s how they intended it. See also, on a lake.
C: You have a big hair on yours, probably of the pubic nature.
G: Ah! There are several hairs on here!
R: Yeah, you probably touched your dog.
G: Oh yeah.
A: Daddy likes.
J: This is good, this is the right amount of hopps. Unlike apparently, everyone else.
R: I just love that it comes in a can. You can take it anywhere.
G: Exactly, the lake, the pool, the beach…
R: This beer makes me happy
G: Agreed.
[Author’s Note: At this point, the gang realizes that at least one of the three beers is noticeably different in taste and color than the other two, despite purportedly being the same beer. This led directly to James being pissed off, since he had the lesser of the two. James being pissed off, in turn, led to absolutely no reaction at all from the Gang, who ignored James and went about raving and enjoying their beer. Eff James, anyway.]
R: I wish we could interview this guy for the website.
A: Why can’t you? I would suggest letting him view the website to see if that’s something he wants to be associated with.
G: Hell no! I go with the shock and awe approach!
Ratings:
C: 4.5
J: 9
R: 9.5
G: 9
A: 8.5
E: 7.5
7. Abita Satsuma Harvest Wit (J)
A: Hey Joey, did you hit her?
J: No, Abita!
A: So this is because you can’t be in New Orleans right now?
J: Exactly.
(It found us. Like the damn Libyans found Doc Brown. The random smokehaus smell is back)
A: Argh! I either smell smokehaus or sewer and I can’t tell the difference.
G: This is Abita’s version of Blue Moon.
R: I like a good hefewiezen in the summer.
E: What is Satsuma?
G: I think it’s a kind of orange (3rd time Garrett has explained this)
(Discussion of green bottled beer vs. brown bottled beer. All agree that the general rule of thumb is to avoid green and drink only brown. The gang is comfortable that this is completely contrary to girls we all knew in high school, whose rule was precisely the opposite. Whew.)
J: But I do love a good Dos Equis Especial
A: Yeah, but mostly because you fashion yourself the most interesting man in the world.
J: Hey! They stole my life and made it into commercials!
G: I don’t hate this as much as I wish I did.
R: This is Amurrica dropping some Amurrica on your ass.
Ratings:
J: 7
R: 7.5
G: 5
A: 6
E: 7
C: 6.5
8. Cave Creek Chili Beer (R)
DISCLAIMER, PT. 2: F*ck it. Nevermind, there’s no time. Run! Run I say! Save yourselves!!
[Author’s Note: I confess. This beer is a repeat visit for Garrett and I. Many times, in fact. See, 4th of July’s past. See also above under: “Judgment, crap.”]
[Author’s Note, Part II: Please, for the love of God: www.chilibeer.com, with sound]
R: It says it’s made in hell!
J: Oh god, why are we hazing ourselves?
G: Joey, if there was one beer that had to be included in the summer beer tasting, it was this one.
(Plop: chili in Joe’s beer)
(Plop: and in Robert’s)
C: Wait, there’s an actual chili in it?
A: Yup, and now Joe and Robert must eat them.
(drinking)
All: (outrageous displeasure)
R: Why would anybody buy this? How is this marketable to anyone on the planet? And why is my beer foaming?
J: Because Mexicans love it.
E: Why does the chili look like a dog with its red rocket coming out?
E: The spice doesn’t bother me, it’s just that it’s in the beer.
E: These taste just like spicy cheetos…
C: Your right!
(All: writhing, screaming, moaning…near vomit)
C: It feels like I have acid reflux, but I don’t.
R: I don’t think this is as bad as the Smokehaus.
J: I agree, the Smokehaus made me want to throw up.
R: I don’t think the beer is that bad, it’s the chili that makes it bad.
A: Well right, but that still makes it bad. Who picked this? Robert?
R: No! Not me!
J: Yes, it was Robert.
R: Oh yeah, it was me! Alright, mine’s done, I’m gonna go put some dirt in my mouth.
Ratings:
R: 1
G: 1
A: 1.5
E: 1.5
C: .50
J: 2
R: This beer burns my eyes
J: This beer burns my soul.
9. Boulevard Zon (G)
A: Joey, go ahead.
J: No.
A: Yeah, go ahead, make the joke.
J: (sigh) kneel before zon…
A: You sound so defeated.
(discussion about James’s self-
J: Zon is Flemish for sun, it says.
G: See, I told you!
R: It’s Flemish for sun, but American for crap.
R: (Reading) We screwed up, we were supposed to swirl the last inch.
G: I did.
E: Hey, I swirl the only inch I’ve got all the time.
(At this point, Robert’s pesky neighbors begin to throw Mardi Gras beads over the fence…our adoring public, no doubt)
A: This beer is terrible by the way
C: It’s better than the last beer
A: Agreed, but doesn’t it say something that it’s still terrible after the chili beer?
C: Good point.
Ratings:
G: 5
A: 4
E: 5
C: 4.5
J: 4
R: 4
(Garrett reveals his true aggie nature and, as always, makes the most unrepeateable comment of the day…and again, that’s saying something)
10. Land Shark Lager (A)
G: This is the Jimmy Buffett beer.
G: (drinking) After the last few, this is refreshingly devoid of flavor.
J: After the beers we’ve had?
G: I know, it doesn’t taste like much.
R: What happened to Garrett’s neck?
(Discussion about Garrett’s beads melting and how it might have ruined his Breckenridge
t-
E: What’s wrong with this beer?
G: Well, there’s a lot of things wrong with it, but there’s a lot of things right too.
Ratings:
A: 6
E: 6.5
C: 7.5
J: 6
R: 5
G: 5
11. Bud Light Lime (E)
A: Haven’t we done this beer before?
G: No, just Miller Chill.
R: And Tequiza.
E: And Victory Prima Pils
(group shudder)
A: Joey’s not going to hate this. Watch.
E: It tastes like Sprite.
R: It tastes like Zima
J: You were right, Adam, I don’t hate this.
R: You don’t hate this??
J: I would drink 100 of these before another Smokehaus.
E: It’s like a shandy, but different.
(Discussion of marketing the shandy. Imagery devolves rapidly into South Padre, dumpsters, etc.)
A: I don’t like this, but I agree I would drink it before another Smokehaus.
R: Really? You’d drink a whole one of these?
J/A: Before another Smokehaus or Chili beer? Absolutely.
G: I don’t know that I agree
R: Me neither.
A: Well, you can go pump each other.
G/R: Finally! Acceptance!
Ratings:
E: 5
C: 7
J: 5
R: 3
G: 5.5
A: 5
12. Breckinridge Summerbright Ale ©
C: It’s actually good.
E: Agreed. It’s good, no bitter aftertaste or anything.
G: It’s got a little Lawnmower in it.
E: Agreed
A: Phone!
A: Garrett, phone!!!
G: (dialing…listening) I’m going to the directory to get straight to Toddd Thibault.
Ok, I’ve reached the marketing team…Hey Todd, it’s the guys in Houston again, time
for our summer beer tasting. Love the brand new summer brew, it’s similar to the
St. Arnold’s Lawnmower. In fact, maybe y’all stole the recipe. Anyway, it’s hot.
We’re all sunburned. Ok, well, I’m still pasty white, but we’re all still sans
t-
Ratings:
C: 9
J: 9
R: 9
G: 7
A: 7
E: 8.5
13. Samuel Adams Summer Ale (J)
G: The reigning champion.
A: I buy this beer when I go out in the summer.
J: That’s telling.
A: Yep, I bought this at Ron’s the other night.
C: I don’t think this is as tasty as the Breckenridge.
E: Agreed.
R: Man, everything Sam does is good.
G: That’s a f*cking lie.
R: Okay, everything but the Cranberry Lambic
G: Alright then.
Ratings:
J: 8
R: 8
G: 9
A: 9
E: 8
C: 9
The Final Tally:
J R G A E C
Brooklyn Summer Ale 8 6.5 6 6 6 6
Sierra Nevada Summerfest Lager 3 5 4 4 2.5 3.5
Shiner Smokehaus 0.5 3 2 1 2 2
St. Arnold Fancy Lawnmower Beer 9 8 7 8 8 8.5
Michelob Beach Bum Blonde Ale 4 4 3 4 4.5 4.5
Southern Star Bombshell Blonde Ale 9 9.5 9 8.5 7.5 4.5
Abita Satsuma Harvest Wit 7 7.5 5 6 7 6.5
Cave Creek Chili Beer 2 1 1 1.5 1.5 0.5
Boulevard ZON 4 4 5 4 5 4.5
Land Shark Lager 6 5 5 6 6.5 7.5
Bud Light Lime 5 3 5.5 5 5 7
Breckenridge Summerbright Ale 9 9 7 7 8.5 9
Samuel Adams Summer Ale 8 8 9 9 8 9
And the Winner (and STILL champion) is: SAMUEL ADAMS SUMMER ALE
The final rankings by average score:
Samuel Adams Summer Ale 8.50
Breckenridge Summerbright Ale 8.25
St. Arnold Fancy Lawnmower Beer 8.08
Southern Star Bombshell Blonde Ale 8.00
Abita Satsuma Harvest Wit 6.50
Brooklyn Summer Ale 6.42
Land Shark Lager 6.00
Bud Light Lime 5.08
Boulevard Zon 4.42
Michelob Beach Bum Blonde Ale 4.00
Sierra Nevada Summerfest Lager 3.67
Shiner Smokehaus 1.75
Cave Creek Chili Beer 1.25
