Out of the darkness, out of the fiery depths of hell, there was a single light in the dreary repetitiveness of late night, a unifying obelisk against the monotonous parade of skanks and charlatans, and its name was Rockband. (I don’t mean to hate on the skanks, without them, the world would lack the song “Toxic”, birth control, and the Treaty of Versailles- think about it)

 

Unlike blowjobs, Rockand was enjoyed by both males AND females. And if you’re on of those girls out there who says “but I like giving them”, then you’re a fucking wizard because you don’t exist, or you’re a paid prostitute, either way give me a call. Back to the point of alcoholism and “jamming”, the Tequila induced crowd seemed to rally around the sweet riffs of Rockband. One night, I even remember the entire late night singing along to “Say It Ain’t So” by Weezer, and no that wasn’t the best night of my life...the best night of my life happened when Nickelback released their debut album, and simultaneously their lead singer Chad Kroeger became a poet.

 

So last Friday, I went to Vintage for the birthday celebration of the effervescent Rose, and of course to dance till my balls sweat. Amir bombarded us with H-bombs all night, and there is a reason these shots are free, they taste like my ball sweat. (I know, enough with the sweaty ball comments, but hey, if you can’t handle a grown man’s sweaty balls in your mouth, then you’re not ready to watch at Tom Cruise movie).

 

The contingent of birthday boozebags rumbled over for a Rockband late night. Before I discuss the fall of Rockband, I would like to point out that I had previously purchased two Old English 40’s for late night and NO ONE had the nerve or f-cking respect to drink one. Poor form…poor form. That’s like going to Molinas and NOT ordering the Jose’s dip. Not only are you ruining your own meal, it’s just downright childish. You should have just stayed home and done something else gay.

 

Okay, so I mix myself a drink, and casually begin to turn on Rockband so all the good little drunk boys and girls can be entertained instead of throwing up on my neighbors lawn (see Brooke) or doing other bad things like asking me “hey, do you mind if I do some blow in your house?” I mean really? You asked me?? You are a moron. Anyway, one of the guitars is broken. I don’t know who broke the guitar (Bryant), but I would like to thank the unknown person (Bryant) for ruining the greatest invention of drunk late nights ever (Go F yourself).

 

Quotes of the Weekend:

 

“Ewwww…you use condoms?!!” – Anonymous

 

“She’s the kind of girl I would want to have sex with…really late at night” - Anonymous

 

-Jeter