2008 PIIYF Second Annual Winter Beer Tasting, December 13, 2008
The Roster:
Joey (S): Dasher
Joe (J): Dancer
James (C): Prancer
Garrett (G): Vixen
Robert (R): Comet
Adam (A): Cupid (and lowliest of scribes)
Vagina Cactus: Donner
[Author’s note: all would be “Blitzen” soon enough. In fact, as our facelings will quickly note, this transcript requires drastically more interjection and (ahem) interpretation from your humble scribe as those in the past. I can’t imagine why…]
The Inventory:
Anchor Christmas Ale
Shiner Holiday Cheer
Michelob Winter Bourbon Cask Ale
Rogue Santa’s Private Reserve Ale
Sierra Nevada “Wet Hop” Harvest Ale
Leinenkugel Fireside Nut Brown Ale
Breckinridge Christmas Ale
St. Bernardus Christmas Ale
Avery Old Jubilation Ale
St. Arnold Christmas Ale
Boulevard Nutcracker Ale
Left Hand Snowbound Ale
Samuel Smith Winter Welcome Ale
Samuel Adams Winter Lager
Rahr & Sons Winter Warmer
Bring on The Pain Cave
[Author’s Note: if you’re keeping score at home, yes, that’s 15 beers. The phrase you’re looking for is “holy b*lls”…]
The Setting:
Your PIIYF merchants of absurdity would have their mettle tested as mid-
The Blind Test:
Back by popular demand, nothing serves as a better grounding influence than railing against a particular beer, using all manner of inappropriate and nonsensical analogies and epithets, talking about the particularly vile sexual position in which the beer’s mother must have been during its conception…and then finding out you gave it a 9 in the blind test.
Yes, It was that good
Again graciously administered by Chief Face Officer (and newly promoted PIIYF “Mouthpiece”) Garrett, 13 of the 15 beers were blind taste tested by Joey, Robert, Joe, and Adam. This produced much rejoicing. Not so graciously, Garrett decided to make us taste at least a half dozen or more of these warm. This produced very little rejoicing, and by that I mean the occasional gag. What a d*ck.
As usual, results of the blind test can be found parentheses in our ratings below.
1. St. Bernardus Christmas Ale (G)
A: I like that our tasting is starting with a champagne pop.
G: Yep, it’s appropriate
(Garrett pours everyone a nice tall glass of foam. Then he tops that with foam. And more foam.)
Good First Pour!
J: That’s a lot of foam there, G.
C: A lotta head
G: Well, I’m just pouring it…
J: Well, pour it better!
J: Does everyone realize how much beer we are tasting here tonight?
S: Joe, check your man card.
R: Yeah, cry about it.
J: Hey, I’m not worried about it, it’s not kryptonite for me…
[Author’s Note: As our website devotees may recall (both of you) Robert’s display
at last year’s winter beer tasting was nothing short of hazardous to himself and
those around him. Despite all of us keeping pace and drinking the same amount, Robert’s
sobriety lay on the ground in a heap of shame and man-
A: I would just like to point out that MS Word just auto-
R: Where’s the Vagina Cactus!!??
(all activity ceases until the VC is restored to its rightful place with us)
S: (drinking) I like that.
R: It’s a little syrupy, but I like it.
G: I really enjoy this style of beer.
J: I want to see a dog on the label, not this goofy man.
R: Well, presumably it was named after an actual person.
J: I don’t care, I want the dog!!
R: Whatever, troglodyte.
G: I don’t understand how this is a Christmas beer, though. Why is this different from just an average abbey ale.
R: It’s probably the same, just with the Christmas label.
A: I think I’m already boozy.
G: You’re in trouble then…is there anything you can eat?
A: Eff that, I don’t like your attitude.
R: Well, it is 10% alcohol by volume…well done, Gents, way to start it off!
Ratings:
G: 8
R: 9
A: 6.5
C: 7
S: 8
J: 6
2. Michelob Winter Bourbon Cask Ale (R)
(Adam hits Robert…Why, you ask? Do you really care?)
R: Just cause Adam hit me, now he gets this…
A: Effstein. Is this the Michelob product? Awful.
G: (pouring with minimal foam) It pours better, I’ll give it that…
R: I think the problem is you.
(all cheers, smell, hesitate…and ultimately drink)
Gang: (groaning, near-
G: Ugh, this is the winter version of the Jack’s Pumpkin Spice crap.
R: This is actually 6% alcohol, which means they added grain alcohol.
R: It tastes like marshmallow and seawater…and not good seawater, like Florida seawater either. I mean Bolivar seawater. It tastes like Sharky’s.
G: Seriously, it’s like they decided “Hey, some vanilla is good, so more is better, right?”
S: Agreed, this is the Yankee Candle of beers.
(A brief discussion ensues comparing the Breckenridge Vanilla Porter with this and with the legendary gate keeper of hell, the Victory Prima Pils. All agree that none are very good, but nothing touches the Pils in likelihood of inducing vomit into one’s mouth)
A: (drinking) Dammit, when does this taste go away??
R: Not until you reproduce.
C: Ugh the aftertaste is the worst part.
S: It’s absolutely offensive…awful. Damn you, Michelob.
G: Seriously though, what’s wrong with Michelob? I mean, I’m sure they have intelligent people with good taste working there…
Gang: (staring)
G: Nevermind.
Ratings:
R: 2 (1)
A: 2 (2)
C: 4
S: 2 (2)
J: 2 (2)
G: 1.5
3. Rogue Santa’s Private Reserve Ale (A)
A: Rogue beers always seem to have very high alcohol content.
G: Is that good?
A: It depends.
J: The label says this is black power beer.
S: What does that even mean?
S: It also says this is made with “free range coastal water.”
A: As in it’s not caged?
S: Exactly, uncaged coastal waters.
G: (reading) Oooh! It has “Pacman yeast” in it!
J: Do you mean like “Wocka Wocka Wocka” pacman or like “Make it Rain, I’m Gonna Kill People, Adam Jones” pacman?
A: (riotous laughter)
R: (drinking) Wow, that’s a whole lotta hopps.
S: Ugh, this is the Sierra Nevada of Rogue beers.
C: (reading bottle) This says “women should not drink.”
J: Period?
R: How dare you, Rogue!
A: Seriously, my entire social life depends on women doing exactly that!
S: And why is there a pig and a longhorn on the bottle?
R: Um, because it’s made with pork and beef?
A: You know what, this is delicious. A lot of hopps, but it’s delicious.
J: You’re wrong.
C: It has hopps, but nothing more.
J: Except food coloring.
R: I have to pee again. Damn my “youth medium” bladder.
S: Is your bladder “kai t-
Ratings:
A: 7 (7)
C: 3.5
S: 4 (8)
J: 4 (6)
G: 4
R: 4 (7)
4. Sam Smith Winter Welcome (C)
(Gang cheering on James’ impending selection…chanting “James”)
C: Who knows what I will grab when my hands get on it!
(Litany of inappropriate things James may or may not get his hands on, most often being parts of dude anatomy)
A: I enjoy that
J: I like that too. I want to look at the bottle.
G: Was there a fisherman on the last bottle? Why is there a dude fishing?
G: You guys did better with the blind taste test, this time. You nailed the awful ones.
A: The ones that tasted like Arab semen?
G: That presumes you know that it tastes like? Cheer!
A: No, but I’ve read the literature.
S: There’s nothing to say about this except it’s awesome, so let’s enjoy.
(and expectedly, with no discussion regarding the actual beer, the conversation devolves into a discussion about Garrett’s unborn tranny…again)
Ratings:
C: 8
S: 7 (8)
J: 7 (7)
G: 7
R:8 (7)
A: 8 (3)
5. Shiner Holiday Cheer (S)
G: This is actually good, it’s made with peaches. It smells like effing peach cobbler.
A: Ahh!! We smelled this in the blind test.
G: I usually don’t like fruit beers, but I like this.
A: (angrily) How is this Christmas related? This is peach beer and peaches grow in the summer!
A: I am a little drunk already
R: Um yeah…and we have a lot to go.
A: Wheeeeee!!
(Group discussion on Shiner beers as an acceptable product, but not exceptional in any meaningful way. All agree that it hasn’t stooped to Pyramid level, but it isn’t as far away as the good people at Shiner would like)
Ratings:
S: 8 (7)
J: 7 (6)
G: 8
R: 4 (3)
A: 6 (7)
C: 8
6. Boulevard Nutcracker Ale (J)
R: Boulevard usually does pretty good stuff.
G: Really? I’m not too impressed.
R: Ok, but I hate your fruit beer. I think it tastes like schpoop.
(Due to weather, the Gang reluctantly moves inside to the dining room. For any of you expecting this to class up the tasting, I don’t really know what to say except welcome to PIIYF.com, I’m guessing you won’t stay long.)
G: (diving right in) I’m disappointed.
A: (With much disdain for Garrett) Hmm, yeah, I haven’t tried it yet. Know why? Cause we haven’t cheersed.
C: Damn right.
A: Yeah, who’s a big saggy pack of crap?
G: (enthusiastically raising hand)
R: (drinking) I don’t hate that.
G: That’s really saying something since Robert hates most things.
S: Especially if everyone else likes it.
G: No, I think he just hates everything.
A: Yep, he’s an old jewish man.
(Frank discussion as to whether James or the Vagina Cactus is the “6th man” of the tasting group. Resolution? Too close to call…)
R: How in the world is the VC still alive?
A: Because it’s gone billy goat, living off the bottle caps you feed it at our beer tastings!
The Official Plant Of PIIYF
R: I think this beer’s close. It’s not great, it’s not bad, but it has potential. Am I crazy?
A: I don’t dislike it.
J: No, it’s pretty good.
Oiifrf4 (inexplcab.e.)
[Author’s Note: it’s starting to get away from us here, despite having ten (read: TEN) more beers to taste. The above is an exact quote from the rough transcript. I’d clean it up if I had clue one as to what that meant or referred to. My favorite is the use of the numeral “4.” Draw your own conclusions.]
R: Discharge is the worst word in the English language.
A: Not even close.
R: Well then what is???
(An awful, awful discussion using awful, awful words ensues. For anyone who has never engaged in this discussion with Joey Schlaffer, honestly, do yourself a favor…don’t.)
Ratings:
J: 5 (7)
G: 4
R: 6 (7)
A: 6 (4)
C: 7
S: 3 (2)
7. Anchor Christmas Ale (G)
Kai: Y’all are just a bunch of monkeys
J: Do I have permission to throw poop then?
A: Yes, and masturbate openly.
A: This is so good. I want to make tender sweetness with this beer.
R: It tastes like God’s nutsack.
C: Yep, after a long run.
(James at this point informs the Gang that he’s catholic. He does this despite the fact that no one has ever known him to go, mention going, or even to have thought about going to church. This was the craziest thing the Gang had heard since Joey tried to convince us he was catholic.)
G: (drinking blissfully) It’s perfection, what else can you say?
S: Agreed. (to be read in the voice of Louie from The State) I wanna dip my balls in it!
R: I wish this beer had more fruit in it…wait, no I don’t.
C: I wish it had more vanilla flavoring.
R: This is just perfectly balanced.
C: Just like Fox News, fair and balanced.
G: Yes! It’s the Fox News of beers!
(Brief but heartfelt discussion of how hot Punky Brewster got)
Ratings:
G: 10
R: 10 (8)
A: 10 (8)
C: 9.5
S: 10 (10)
J: 10 (4)
(Brief discussion about whether or not a woman can attain a “perfect 10.” James makes clear his belief that there’s no such thing. In response to whether or not he has passed that information along to his girlfriend, James votes we move on to the next beer.)
8. St. Arnold Christmas Ale (R)
R: Houston’s finest!!
J: (ridiculous indescribably female noises of glee)
G: Out of the bottle is the only way to drink this.
A: I disagree. I like this beer a lot on tap, but if I’m honest, in the bottle, this is only average.
S: Yeah, be a man, this beer is a seven in the bottle.
R: Yeah, but seven is good!
S: You’re hometowning this beer big time.
Ratings:
R: 8 (7)
A: 6.5 (7)
C: 8
S: 6 (6)
J: xcvi/jz iuaezg’oh/ P;UV 8.5 (8) [Author’s Note: Yeah…no idea]
G: 7
[Author’s Note: paragraph 1 below was typed in my absence. Your lowly scribe is a man much like the rest of you. He has needs. Occasionally, he must cater to those needs. In this instance, I believe the particular need in question was the need to attack Joe violently. It’s not entirely clear. Nonetheless, if 1,000 monkeys typing on 1,000 typewriters could produce Hamlet, I submit the below paragraph 1 as evidence that the Gang is, not surprisingly, dumber than 1,000 monkeys. Additionally, in the interest of the pursuit of truth, I have included my recollection of the events that took place in paragraph 2.]
1. The Gang’s description:
I care about the constitution of your computer… as joe kills adam…on the floor…again…kai says that’s all he has…adam wins…pictures taken…UNICORN!!!!! Adam is concerned about hurting joe….whatre YOU typing Bullet HI! Ope the camera Heyyyoooooo!
Kai hates amurica.
Joe says nice
Bul says barlthgo;aunre. . .. unintelligible
CHEERS to that!
Adam went there
What
2. Your humble scribe’s recollection of this epic clash of the titans, and hence interpretation of the actions described above is as follows:
ADAM ATTACKS!!!
Adam, minding his own business and basking in the glow of the merriment and camaraderie
of the season, was viciously and suddenly attacked by Joe, who inexplicably was wielding
a trident. Catching him completely off guard, Joe was able to strike an early trident
stab (aka giant fork stab) in Adam’s unsuspecting back. This caused Adam to diplomatically
inquire of Joe as to what the particular point of consternation was. Joe responded
with unnecessary and, quite frankly, despicable verbal abuse and threats of physical
violence. Adam, again ever the voice of reason, calmly and politely tried to reason
with Joe. However, Joe again escalated the dispute by throwing his trident, now
engulfed in flames, at Adam’s head. Fortunately, Adam’s panther-
And Loses
9. Breckinridge Christmas Ale (A)
(Robert’s phone rings, it’s the fiancée. The following occurs in rapid succession:
R: (into phone) “Well, you tell her to shut the eff up!”
R: (into phone) “Baby, we’re going to have so much fun tonight.”
R: (hangs up phone, to Gang) This may shock y’all, but she’s mad at me.
A: Dear lord, we have six more beers?
G: Nope, seven.
A: Eff
G: Also, we have beer ice cream.
S: What? Who made ice cream
G: I did, with the Young’s Double Chocolate Stout!
(Discussion about how festive the Breckinridge bottle is)
G: Breckinridge provides just a good, steady product.
(Dave shows up. No one cares.)
Dave: Who’s “winning”?
R: The beer’s winning, or at least I’m losing.
J: Also, Whitney’s losing.
J: Breckinridge prides itself on being the darkest beer of the season
(With much anticipation, Garrett picks up the phone and calls the brewery…again. It is important to note that Garrett would later call again, suggesting a new name for the beer. The transcript of this second call, occurring after all 15 beers had been tasted, was so unintelligible it had to be cut.)
G: (Dialing, listening) Push 2 for marketing team. You know it.
“Hey guys it’s the PIIYF team again here in Houston, it’s our annual winter beer tasting and Breckinridge is doing very well. I’m guessing it will end up about third or so. I don’t know, it’s not very scientific at all. Anyway, you can check out the results at www.putitinyourface.com. Still love the Avalanche, talk to you again at the spring tasting.”
[Author’s Note, part I: Ok, so Garrett’s been calling the Breckinridge brewery at every tasting since the inception of the website. We always found it hilarious, since as the tastings are on weekends, that someone at the brewery would come in Monday mornings and find Garrett’s voicemail to greet him or her. Now, we have proof. On behalf of PIIYF.com, I hereby present the following email from an unnamed (for his sake) member of the Breckinridge team]: Hello Breckinridge....
Ok Genuises,
Just got your second message…
Hell, you can still enunciate and the messages are still making sense…kudos on keeping this scientific. We at the Brewery always look forward to your expert analysis, I forward it to just about everybody at the Global Headquarters when it arrives.
Christmas Ale T-
Keep up the good work.
Incidentally, and I know you guys would appreciate this...maybe not. I'm eatin'
a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, with Crunch Berries (it's the holiday's for gods sake).
Washing it down with a Christmas Ale, then off to an Avalanche Ale tasting at a bowling
alley in about an hour.
See, we can have fun in Colorado too. Cheers!
[Author’s Note, part II: your lowly scribes initial reactions: (1) Holy sh*t, you mean someone actually reads this website? (2) This email was much nicer than say, a restraining order. (3) Crunchberries and Christmas Ale? Yeah, we could totally hang with this guy.]
Ratings:
A: 7.5 (8)
C: 8
S: 8 (4)
J: 7 (8)
G: 8
R: 7.5 (9)
10. Avery Old Jubilation Ale (C)
J: Awwww, Jubilation Ale?!!
G: I hate Avery. I haven’t had this, but it’s already bad.
S: (drinking) This isn’t good.
S: Kangaroos can’t hop backwards, did you know that?
R: That’s interesting.
A: No it’s not.
R: Oh yeah, right. Not interesting, what’s that other word? Oh yes, tedious.
A: I’m boozed.
S: I don’t like that at all.
G: This is much better than I expected.
R: I can’t taste anymore, so what does it matter [Author’s Note: or if you prefer, in it’s original form: “wsdt sidowe it materrrt”]
Ratings:
C: 6.5
S: 3 (6)
J: 4.5 (5)
G: 4
R: 5 (3)
A: 5 (6)
11. Left Hand Snowbound Ale (S)
J: Oh dammit, this smells. I remember this from the taste test.
G: Oh yeah, it did really well.
“Oh No”
(andy pettitte: smells like pork sandwich) [Author’s Note: ???]
A: (smelling) Dammit, this is the beer that made me gag in the blind tasting!
R: There’s something about Left Hand that I just don’t understand.
A: Like, why it’s terrible?
R: Yeah, I mean, they sell it at Specs, they sell it at Central Market. Yet, it’s awful.
Kai: (Reading bottle) “Fight cabin fever with Left Hand”
Gang (much snickering)
R: Ever since the internet, I became left handed…
Ratings:
S: 1 (1)
J: 3 (1)
G: 3
R: 2 (1)
A: 3 (2)
C: 4.5
[Author’s Note: At this point in the transcript, I thought I had completely failed to take down any information except the following two words and the ratings for one of the beers. Upon closer inspection, all the beers are accounted for. Yup, that’s right, those two little words that follow? That’s what we rated apparently. Yeah, it’s come to that.]
Joe’s fart.
S: 5
J: 9.75
G: 3
R: 11
A: 7
C: 8
12. Leinenkugel Fireside Nut Brown Ale (J)
(The Gang partakes in Garrett’s homemade Young’s Double Chocolate Stout ice cream…much praise is heaped on Garrett for his amazing concoction…also, much discussion concerning Garrett’s sexual orientation)
D: I like that Robert can’t talk while he’s eating this.
A: There are other things he can’t talk while doing…hiyo!
(and on to the beer)
R: (drinking) I don’t hate this.
A: I kinda do.
C: This smells like the ass end of a deer. Or a dog, if a dog sits in your lap and you smell its ass.
R: Why have you done that?
C: I haven’t.
S: Lies!!!
R: This is our most aggressive beer tasting ever….by four beers.
G: It’s not bad for a nut brown.
A: Garrett, name four nut browns.
G: This one…and Newcastle…and…Dave’s nuts?
Ratings:
G: 5
R: 6 (7)
A: 4 (3)
C: I like sex with strapping Italian men who have venereal disease [Author’s Note: (sigh) ]
S: 7 (5)
(Paramedics/coroner shows up to wheel Joe away)
Santa Made It!
13. Sierra Nevada “Wet Hop” Harvest Ale (G)
G: Eff you guys! (reading bottle extensively)
C: Stop reading and start pouring…
A: James is angry.
C: Damn right.
A: This doesn’t smell good at all
C: No, it does not. It’s like the anal end of…
A: Man, you’re all about the anal ends of things tonight…
[Author’s Note: Ok. So, as our legions of facelings are well aware, typically we
ensure that these tasting follow a night of solid, grade A binge. Not so much here.
However, in a daring display of complete disregard for our long term health, we
planned this tasting as the pre-
S: Kai go get your shoes.
Dave: I can drive people.
Kai: It’s easy, it’s straight to my house.
A: There’s nothing straight about your house.
C: (high five)
G: Robert got an extra pour, who did that?
A: Robert?
[Author’s Note: akin to the description of Tequiza at the Summer Tasting, I attempted (apparently) to provide you with a list of things which the gang decided this beer smells like. Unfortunately, the results didn’t exactly come through the way I anticipated. Behold.]
It smells like:
“:inhooss”
“: hpoops.”
Ratings:
G: 5
R: 5
A: 5
C: 6
S: 4
So Did Dave...
14. Sam Adams Winter Lager (R)
C: Subtly good.
R: It’s not bad, I like it.
G: (Tasting) There’s banana flavor in here.
A: Banana?
G: Yeah, that’s right. Write that down. Tell Jim Koch that I said that.
R: This tastes like the number 8.
C: Yep, also like the letter C.
G: I don’t hate this like I did last year. My taste is evolving.
(Discussion about how, on paper, the Gang expected their beer selection for the evening to produce a handful of 8’s and 9’s in this tasting, paired with a whole lot of 2’s and 3’s. Delightfully, there were not nearly as many terrible beers as we expected)
Ratings:
R: 7 (2)
A: 7 (4)
C: 7.5
S: 7 (4)
G: 6
15. Rahr & Sons Winter Warmer (A)
A: Who picked this one?
C: You did.
A: Awesome.
R: My sober tastes like babnanbas.
[Author’s note: I started to edit this, presuming Robert actually said “bananas.” But you know what, at this point in the evening, he may very well have meant that his sober tasted like “babnanbas.” Who am I to put words in his mouth?]
G: (without question the most offensive thing ever said on this website, involving “cotton and rum.”)
R: (not to be outdone, Robert tells a joke which becomes the second most offensive thing ever said on this website)
Gang: (awkward silence)
Ratings:
A: 6 (6.5)
C: 6.5
S: 7 (4)
G: 7
R: 6 (8)
R: Why do you hate me so much?
A: So many reasons.
The Final Tally:
G R A C S J
St. Bernardus
Christmas Ale 8 9 6.5 7 8 6
Michelob Winter Bourbon Cask Ale 1.5 2 2 4 2 2
Rogue Santa’s Private Reserve Ale 4 4 7 3.5 4 4
Samuel Smith Winter Welcome Ale 7 8 8 8 7 7
Shiner Holiday Cheer 8 4 6 8 8 7
Boulevard Nutcracker Ale 4 6 6 7 3 5
Anchor Christmas Ale 10 10 10 9.5 10 10
St. Arnold Christmas Ale 7 8 6.5 8 6 8.5
Breckinridge Christmas Ale 8 7.5 7.5 8 8 7
Avery Old Jubilation Ale 4 5 5 6.5 3 4.5
Left Hand Snowbound Ale 3 2 3 4.5 1 3
Leinenkugel Fireside Nut Brown Ale 5 6 4 x 7 x
Sierra Nevada “Wet Hop” Harvest Ale 5 5 5 6 4 x
Samuel Adams Winter Lager 6 7 7 7.5 7 x
Rahr & Sons Winter Warmer 7 6 6 6.5 7 x
And the Winner is: ANCHOR CHRISTMAS ALE
The final rankings by average score:
Anchor Christmas Ale 9.92
Breckinridge Christmas Ale 7.67
Samuel Smith Winter Welcome Ale 7.50
St. Bernardus Christmas Ale 7.42
St. Arnold Christmas Ale 7.33
Samuel Adams Winter Lager 6.90
Shiner Holiday Cheer 6.83
Rahr & Sons Winter Warmer 6.50
Leinenkugel Fireside Nut Brown Ale 5.50
Boulevard Nutcracker Ale 5.17
Sierra Nevada “Wet Hop” Harvest Ale 5.00
Avery Old Jubilation Ale 4.67
Rogue Santa’s Private Reserve Ale 4.42
Left Hand Snowbound Ale 2.75
Michelob Winter Bourbon Cask Ale 2.25
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year from PIIYF!!
Your Scribe using Time Lapse Photography
